[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
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Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Never be a pizza!
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
For those that worship cheese..
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
thanks auntie mary
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels