Customer is always right
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Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*