The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
You Might Also Like
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund