ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
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The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.