I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
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Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker