no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
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last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?