What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
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T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement