“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
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Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]