Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
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The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.