[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
You Might Also Like
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*