*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
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[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
What?!?
🤣✨#caturday
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.