PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
This is always good for a laugh.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Meow?
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend