when mom throws a party…
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I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
FRED: right
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
True.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.