Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
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Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet