Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
The cake is mightier than the sword.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.