I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
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Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
nobody’s gonna understand
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.