2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
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Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings