*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
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I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
can’t bark with your mouth full
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Probably my best painting.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it