I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
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I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!