If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s