me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
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If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.