QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
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Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting