[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
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When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.