So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
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If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????