These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.