My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
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Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
do what now??
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR