Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
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Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again