Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
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Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.