*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
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[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory