*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
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cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.