America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?