I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*exercises sarcastically*
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*