It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
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I need to update my racial profile.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
what does he know…
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road