Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
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Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*