Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
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Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
This was my dad’s browser history.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Holy shit he’s back
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Self-cleaning conscience
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.