The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
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The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10