FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
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[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Rooting for the overdog
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[adds another nod to the conversation]
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance