I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
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*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!