ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
You Might Also Like
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses