Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
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Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light