I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
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Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.