[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
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*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
me hooking up with my ex
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.