I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
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99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting