Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
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The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
🐕🍷
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me