Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
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The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Sounds like a bargain
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Ironic
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait