Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
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Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
relationship goals
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!