sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Put the is in disheveled
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Natty or not?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
The asteroid..
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards