alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 馃拃馃槀馃槀
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
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I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
He said it鈥檚 canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don鈥檛-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don鈥檛 need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN鈥橳 WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN鈥橳 OPENER
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Officer i swear I鈥檝e only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My girl put concealer on and now I can鈥檛 find her.