Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
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The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.