I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
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My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great